When it comes to meeting a special someone, what are the most important qualities you look for in your perfect love match?
Before you answer this question, I want you to take this perspective – think for a moment how YOU decide whether you like a person or not. Consider everything that matters to you – their look, personality, manners, intelligence, attitude, etc. Be assured that everyone else is looking for the same qualities in you, because they are also looking for their perfect love match.
In order to attract a person who gets you, who is right for you, you have to develop yourself in all the same areas; your soul, your thoughts and your appearance should be aligned and well presented.
Perfect love match tips
A long time ago I read a book that offered a phrase that stuck with me for the rest of my life. The author said that problems in our relationships are caused by discrepancy between what we think, what we say and how we act.
From that moment I started to work on bringing all those attributes together. I started to tell people how I felt, I stopped giving promises which I wasn’t able to keep and started to resist negative thoughts about other people… and I’ve got a lot of inner peace.
I started to feel better about myself. I became happy and had some respect for myself. I stopped breaking my promises, was able to admit when I was judging people. Gradually my bad habits diminished as I practiced my new mantra:
• Watch what I am thinking
• Watch what I am saying
• Watch my own behavior in action
I gave myself the opportunity to express my real emotions and feelings and I was able to ask for what I wanted.
People began to think of me as of a more solid, honest person and I started to attract people and situations, that I became comfortable with – honest, nice people, and situations that moved me towards my goals. My world became full of people who shared compassion, laughter, positive energy, hope and personal responsibility.
The past wasn’t as pretty
No, not all my partners were good for me, in fact I most of my life I met needy, high maintenance partners. I had my own reasons for attracting these men. My childhood helped me develop behavior patterns that equipped me to attract a certain type of people.
We all are looking for a person, who has a solid path in life and knows what he or she wants. They have an understanding for the relationship and intimacy they want in life, and are not afraid to ask for it. People who know what they want are also capable of giving much more to someone else. But before you meet them, you must first become this person.
Exercise: Are you the perfect love match? How attractive are you? Rate yourself from 1-3.
- Good looks
- Good Weight
- Good Health
- Financial security
- Positive outlook
- Sense of Humor
- Fulfilling career
- Great friends
- No addictions
- Social Skills
- Thoughtful of others
- Emotionally stability
- Rich spiritual life
The online dating websites save time by offering to weed out candidates using our specific criteria in order to present qualified profiles from the first contact. This can be a terrific tool IF ALL of the good intelligent people are proficient written communicators. Some profiles say too little; some say too much. Some men seem too “intelligent,” while others might scare potential candidates with too many restrictions. Women may introduce themselves as such independent happy people that it is hard to imagine how you would fit into their lives.
Online dating is about presentation and intellectual (mental, logical) connections. Without sampling the physical chemistry, we often miss our opportunities to meet a good match.
Too Many Photos – Too Many Choices
By looking at scores of photos at one time we can numb ourselves to the unique and interesting character in an individual’s appearance. It’s easy to forget that often it’s the uniqueness of a person, in appearance and personality that we often learn to love and find most endearing for years to come. Unfortunately, with the mouse in hand, we can click through page after page of photos in minutes without noticing the glint in his eye or the natural curl to her hair. We could be just too darn picky!
Pre-Arranged Marriage – Is It a Trap or a Privilege?
In some countries with strong traditions they still practice pre-arranged marriages. Oddly enough, even though the laws have changed and divorce is permitted, often these couples who learned to love remain so for a lifetime. Looking at our own parent’s and grandparents’ relationships, it’s not unusual that couples celebrate their 25, 40 or even 70 years together.
They may not a perfect match to each other, but they work hard on their relationships. They work with what they have; they focus on positive points and try to find compromises. In the process, they grow as individuals – learning the beauty of give and receive.
Freedom to Choose
There is nothing wrong with more freedom that enables us to choose a partner. We are able to meet a person who shares our goals and values and with whom we are compatible on many levels. It seems a shame that after being single for some time, we become so comfortable with our own space, that we are able to reject those who are not good looking enough, not financially successful enough, not intelligent enough, etc.
We limit ourselves and miss our soul mates. We have so many demands and expectations.
We look for what we can get ask instead of offering what we have.
Exercise: Continue the list of your qualities vs. the qualities of a desirable partner. For example:
Qualities I am looking in a partner – My qualities as a partner:
- financially secure - I have a stable job or career
- has a sense of humour – I am fun to be around
- physically fit – I am in a good shape
- caring and generous – I do care about other people
- has positive attitude – I am positive and happy
- good good conversationalist – I am able to communicate well
- listener – I am able to listen attentively
How to attract people who are good for us?
At an early age we develop certain patterns of relationship behavior that allow us to attract people of certain types. Very often these are not the people that we want to attract. These patterns are influenced by our parents’ beliefs, school, our society and media sales tactics.
As we go through life we collect emotional baggage from our own relationship experience and develop limiting beliefs about ourselves. Often we are looking for someone to fulfill our needs and make us happy, to satisfy what we feel missing in ourselves.
Loneliness may drive us to keep looking in all the wrong places. When coupled with our limiting beliefs we have the following equation and it means we LOSE.
Childhood perceptions + limiting beliefs = patterns of behavior + baggage from our relationships+ loneliness = people we attract = BUMMER.
Old Stories Attract New Chapters
So many times Sandra heard from her mother that men are afraid of commitment (perhaps she experienced this behaviour in her own love life), so Sandra started to apply this judgment selecting her future partners. As a result all her boyfriends left her.
Serge is a person, who repeatedly attracted women who needed financial support – either immigrants who just came to Canada, or students. His roommates also took advantage and were not able to pay rent in time, constantly borrowing money.
Neither Serge or Sandra are attracting who they really want – they are attracting what they believe about others.
What Are You Willing To Believe?
You probably read or heard that there is a “shortage of quality single men and women today”. If you believe this “fact,” it will easily become your reality. This belief will manifest in your interpersonal communication and impact your behaviour.
If you believe the adage that there are no good partners left, why would you continue to search from that desperate state? All you can possibly attract is desperate indeed. What are you willing to become, to give up, to fake, to pretend only to find that there is no one decent left to find anyway?
Is There a Pattern in Your Dating?
Is the pattern of disappointment repeating itself over and over again with the people you date? If so, you would do well with a “time out” to carefully review what you believe about dates, dating and love.
Don’t put on another pair of high heels until you get clear on what you expect in your life.
You may discover that blame men around for being afraid of commitment, which becomes a pattern of behaviour on your part. You may not realize it, but your own behaviour and suspicions may be just what scares them away.
There are some phrases that we tell ourselves when we don’t get what we expect. These phrases that reveal our unhealthy patterns:
Well, I am just unlucky
I’m not smart enough
People like me never get wealthy
I am not good enough
I don’t deserve to be loved
This person is too cool for me
Nobody cares about me
Why I didn’t have rich parents?
It’s my destiny to work hard
As a foundation of our unhealthy patterns, these phrases are fear based. They cause negative reaction, like anger, impatience, resentment, jealousy, worry, doubt.
Exercise: List your own phrases that you use that you think affect your relationships:
HINT- if you have problems finding them, ask your friends. They hear you say them regularly!
There is no shortage of wonderful potential partners in the world for either women or men. So why are you still single? Your limiting believes about yourself often sabotages dating efforts.
In order to be who you think is more attractive and desirable; you may present yourself in ways that are not true to the real you. In a desire to be accepted you put on a mask, creating an illusion of who you are or how you prefer to be perceived.
Behind the Masks
The beginning of your new relationship is based on the chemistry and infatuation is in fact, between two masks, not the real authentic people. No wonder you get disappointed!
As the weeks go by, the unfortunate result occurs when one of the two or both parties, forgets to wear their mask. They answer the phone at work without the mask, or come to party having left the mask at home in the bedroom closet. No one can continue a façade for along. The cracks begin to weaken, and the inevitable is waiting: disappointment, anger, and sadness.
Best Foot in Front
It’s a normal desire to put our best foot forward – this is how we attract a mate – but if we put our foot too far – we will end up with a person who was attracted to a different person, not our authentic self. Is it any wonder why people so often don’t feel loved for “who they are”? Unless you trust enough to allow someone to know the real you, how can they ever love “the real you”?
When our behavior doesn’t come from authenticity, we act differently, attract the wrong people and make poor choices.
Catch and Carry
It is possible to catch and marry a millionaire. Is that what you truly want in your life? Will money bring you what you desire the most? Or did you want adventure, rich conversation, intimacy and maybe a family?
If you want to meet someone who will love you exactly as you are, you have to step up, be open about your goals, beliefs, dreams and flaws. Be who you are in shining color!
Practice with the simple things. If she says she likes reading, and you can glance over at her bookshelf and see she reads Shakespeare and Tolstoy, it’s probably best not to say, “Ya, I like reading too.” Tell her who you are: “Well, I like reading, but comics are more my thing.”
Tell the truth about you. Present yourself with confidence and positive energy, AND HONESTY. If he says he enjoys the outdoors, and you can see the photos of him atop mountains, fishing, and hiking in South America, don’t say, “me too. I can’t get enough of it,” when you know that all you like outdoors is to sit outside in the summer sun on your lawn chair and tan!
Be sure that you looking for a partner from an authentic place in yourself. Insist that the qualities you are looking for in a partner are based on your true wants and needs (common interests, the same life and relationship goals, values and compatibility, not based on your parents’ or society beliefs, past relationships or the latest advice from Cosmo).
Exercise: What is your reason for looking for a partner? Which of these statements are true?
• I will feel less lonely and happier
• I will get sex when I want it
• With a financial support my life will be fulfilled
• I will stop working and become a housewife
• The best way to forget about past relationship is to get into a new one
• I won’t feel ashamed and left out because all my friends are married
• It will improve my social position
• My biological clock is ticking, and it’s time to me to get married, have a family and kids
• I need mom/dad for my own kids
• I will have a companionship
• My family will stop to pressure me
List five your own most important reasons of why you are looking for a partner. Number them in order of priority.
According to a Canadian statistic, there are about one million single, separated, divorced and widowed people in Vancouver today. Why are we in this situation? Is being a single our new reality?
The trouble is, with most people we have neither the time nor the energy for traditional dating. We’re too busy to do a ‘Friday-night-movie-with-a-long-talk-over-a-dessert-in-the-nearest-cafe’. We are in a rush.
We often go to work early and come back late. We all know how to network and market our products. In other words, we are spending most of our waking hours trying to make a living and become successful. We are great at planning our perfect holiday and following a business plan but don’t have any strategy when it comes to dating.
Looking for a special someone resembles shopping and our date meetings look like job interviews. We have high expectations. Many singles do online shopping for a partner like we do shopping for bread and lose interest as soon as someone more interesting comes along. We create a long list of what we want in a partner before we create a list of what we can offer!
We don’t call when we promise to call. If people do respond to our online ads, we don’t email them back. And let’s face it: sex on a first date is just another test on compatibility, not a loving vulnerability and bond.
When it comes to making important decisions, either buying a house or investing, we entrust the experts, but when it comes to looking for a life partner, we cross our fingers and hope that our next date will be the One.
We are looking for the one we want to share our lives with – live with, sleep with. Your date may become the person with whom you will raise your children, build your financial security and bond in life long companionship.
Then why do we spend more time choosing a dentist, than choose our relationship? For a dentist we gather information, we spend a lot of time researching and learning who is a right fit for us, but we hope to find a perfect lifetime match by accident!
What are we thinking?
Exercise: How well do you know the qualities you are looking for in a partner?
Take time to make your own lists. First make a list of how well you know what you want in your partner. Use the descriptions below as a help only – ideas to help you formulate your thoughts. Then do the same for yourself. What qualities do you have to offer a potential partner?
- Wants to have children – Doesn’t want to have children
- Like deep long conversations – A person of a few words
- Likes to show his affection on public – Keeps it private
- Spontaneous and adventurous – Likes quiet settled life
- Spends time at museums and art galleries – Spends time hiking and kayaking
- Fun loving, easy to laugh, joking constantly – Serious, reserved and polite
- Wealthy – Has enough money to support the family
- Girly girl – Next door girl
- Lives nearby – Can live anywhere in the world
- Talkative extrovert – Thinking introvert
- Vivid, outgoing, fast paced person, full of energy and enthusiasm – Solid, thorough, well-grounded
- Ambitious and competitive – Laid back, easy-going person
- Loves sex and requires to have sex frequently – Doesn’t require it frequently
- Non smoker – Smoking is ok
- Non drinker – Drinks socially
- The same race or culture – Race or culture doesn’t matter
- In the beginning of his new career – Has an established career
- Near the same age – Can be much older or much younger
- Ready to start a family and looking for wife and the mother of his children – Ready for a committed relationship but not in a rush to start a family
- Strong, do-it-yourself man – Soft, sensitive, romantic, artistic
- Their voice is gentle and quiet – Loud, full of life
- Has a rich personal life and a lot of friends to spend time with or An outdoorsy person – Doesn’t have many friends and prefers to spend time at home
- What kind of clothes they prefer to wear: casual and comfortable – Stylish, in the last fashions
- Business-like – Ready for outdoors
- Where they would like to travel: camping or climbing local mountains – Educational traveling, Adventures, Hot beach resorts
Why I am still single?
Did you know the single population is now equal to married couples in North America? It’s a 50/50 split, and many singles would like to change the stats. Of course, there are lot of single people who are ‘not looking,” but most of us would like to be in a relationship.
If you are successful in your career, financially secure and take care of yourself, the question is inevitable –then “Why I am still single”?
We have a vast of services that aim to help us to find a special someone
• Thousands of dating websites to find your best match, based on faith, race or social status;
• Matchmaking services that offer personalized attention to our relationship needs;
• Speed dating events, that allow us to meet as many as 50 people within an hour;
• Relationship, dating and seduction coaches offering training ‘on the spot’;
• Numerous blogs on love and relationship issues, podcasts and TV shows.
We Live in A City Made for Dating
Vancouver is known for being a healthy city and we have a lot of options for outdoor sports and activities. It’s not hard to find people to share your interests. If you go to Meetup.com you will find hundreds of hiking, camping, or yoga MeetUp groups with like-minded people.
There is no lack of social events where you can meet people who share your passion for music or food or dancing.
So, it looks like we don’t have a problem with the number of singles available
Or the potential to meet them;
And we also have all these services that aim to help people to find each other.
The Billion Dollar Question
So how come there are so many people who are still single? Why it’s so hard to find that special person?
The dating services tell us about their ‘secret’ to meeting Mr. or Mrs. Right: that meeting that special person is all a numbers game.
Well of course, the chances of meeting that person decrease dramatically if you don’t go out and don’t surround yourself with like-minded people.
Do we really increase the odds of meeting “The One” by increasing the number of people we meet?
Meet the RIGHT People
Something is not working. Despite the opportunities, we have a society full of single people wishing they could find the right person. Perhaps there is more to the equation than a numbers game.
When I studied marketing for my business, they stressed how important it was to KNOW your customer before you ever had one. We wrote a profile, included a photo and described who was our customer; where they ate, what they drove, who they worked for. It was essential to know who our customer was so we could be clear and not spend our dollars marketing to who our customer WAS NOT.
You will be far more successful meeting the right person, if you clarify in your own mind, who is and who is not the right energy, or character or personality for you.
Here are a few exercises to help you determine your true partner:
Exercise #1 – Are you meeting the right people?
• List 5 most important qualities you are looking in a partner for (positive, understanding, shares my interests, has the same financial position, able to maintain intelligent conversation, etc.)
• Think of 5 people you have dated or had a relationship with and rate from 0 to 10 of how much they possessed these qualities
• Are you meeting the right people?
Exercise#2 – What are your dating patterns?
• Divide a sheet of paper into two columns. On the left side list 5 most important qualities you are looking in a partner for (positive, understanding, shares my interests, has the same financial position, able to maintain intelligent conversation, etc.)
• On the right side list 5 places where you meet new people (work, volunteering, bars, friends’ parties)
• Are you able to meet the type of person that you are looking for at those places?
Exercise #3 – Where do you meet people?
1. How do you meet new men/women? List at least 5 places where you meet them. Think back over a few month(s) for answers.
Places you meet new people
2. Think of the types of people you are meeting at those places. Are you attracted to these types of men/women?
3. Write down 5 places that you think would be ideal to meet a potential partner. It could be anywhere you want; nothing you list is wrong. If you would want to meet and talk to them at a bar, then write it down. If you want to meet them at a museum, then this would be one of your answers. Remember, think of a person who you have found to be attractive and try to recall where you’ve seen them.
Places where I want to meet a potential partner
4. Compare two lists. Are they different?
If you are serious about building a healthy, sensual, and satisfying relationship with someone, invest the time in yourself to do exercises, or read a book or two and apply new ideas to your thoughts and actions.
Many people have found love. I am one of them. You can do it too. Don’t give up – get ready!
Some men are attraction magnets and women are naturally drawn to them, where others find it takes more of an effort. Don’t be fooled! Attraction is not about being “physically attractive.” Often the female magnets are not tall, dark and handsome. It’s not limited to looks – charisma comes from within. Any man can increase his ability to be attractive to women. What makes a man attractive?
Moth to a Light bulb
Roger is an old friend who wasn’t attractive at all. He had squint and his face skin was rough because an accident in childhood. He had no money and dressed poorly. What were his chances of successful dating?
I watched with amazement at the way women gathered around him like a moth around the light. I began asking myself at the time, “what is the magnetic factor, what makes Roger so appealing”? Since then, I have met more men like Roger, who naturally attract women and I began looking for similarities.
The Charisma Essentials
- First of all, these men are very confident charismatic people. They have light vivid personalities who “feel” every day and experience each minute of their lives.
- They are great communicators and talkers. They know the right words that need to be said at the right time, and they know the right moment. They are not afraid to tell the truth and usually have good sense of humour.
- Every time they fall in love – it’s with sincerity and meant to last forever. Those feelings could last only just a few months, or even days, but they are always honest and express their true feelings at the moment.
- They love women, they enjoy being around them. They know how to court and they do this with a confidence and enjoyment.
- They anticipate what makes a woman happy. They behave at this moment like nobody else exists but her!
- They can adapt their love language to communicate to their woman, and these men don’t feel inhibited to tell her ‘I love you.’ To these guys, she is the One, and she is the most loved and desirable person, and it shows!
- When he is together with a woman, he gives her an impression that she is the first woman in his life and she is only one. And despite of all life’s experiences and absurdities, she believes him. Why? Because, it feels so good to feel so cherished.
- They are gentlemen. They never tell even those close friends about their triumphs with ladies.
- They are generous with compliments as well as gifts.
- These guys are there when you need them and help to find the best solution to the problem that suits everyone.
Can This Behaviour Be Learned?
Can you learn all this? Absolutely! I have worked with men had some difficulties with women although they were smart, attractive, kind and generous. Women are looking at the whole package. Work with what you have, until you master “Charisma”.
A little more confidence, a few more subtle complements, more attentive listening, intent charming gaze – all this will distinguish you from the crowd and help you to attract desirable women to you.
It will take some effort and practice but it’s worth it!
When it’s time to start dating again
You are happily single, successful in your career; your life is full of excitement, meetings and journeys. Sometimes you may feel a little lonely and you would like someone to talk to about your future plans or sharing your aha-moments. For the most part, life is good but it would be great to have a little romance in your life, and twice a year sex just isn’t cutting it anymore.
Maybe you have something in common with Sarah. She got divorced after 15 years of a stable (or so she thought) family life. Here she is, back in a dating scene.
Or, how about my friend Jennifer? She is a 48 year old single mom who devoted all her time and energy to raise her children. Now, they are grown and she’s got some time for herself. Finally she can bring someone else into her life, who won’t need to be called a step-father, and skip all kinds of uncomfortable ramifications.
These gals, and plenty more singles like you, started thinking about the possibility of bringing some masculine energy into the house. Of course, it means sacrificing some of your established daily routine and trying to live with someone else’s bad habits.
Let’s not go crazy here! There is some work to do.
Just because you feel a little “frisky,” doesn’t mean you are ready for a date. A date means:
- Going places to meet men. Where to go to meet new people?
- Maybe using an online service and writing a profile. How do you create an online profile that will help you to stand out and blitz out the best competition?
- Dressing like you mean to date. What to wear and what to talk about on a first date?
- Maybe using a matchmaking service and skipping the online profile. Which matchmaking service is worth to pay for?
This is why I started this series of blogs, specially designed for people who are re-entering a dating scene. I will provide a plethora of information about services and places that will help you to have great dates.
Stick with me- together we will do some advance date planning, and not only will you have a great date – you will have a great experience.
It’s time to get playful. In today’s world women are responsible for careers, fit bodies, family obligations, and social commitments. It’s all to serious, and we forget to play, to be fanciful in our hearts, to flirt and have some fun.
Flirting is considered taboo for the modern businesswoman. With all the conditioned ideas that we can’t have a relationship with anyone we work with, for, around, or in passing – we have become serious and too grown up. The little girl inside that likes boys – is buried.
Most little girls have a wonderful natural flirtation – it’s feminine energy untamed. And frankly women, we need some!
Start with the eyes!
This is the first and the most effective way to say ‘I like you’.
Let’s pretend that you are at the bar/party/etc. and there he is. He is talking to his friends but observing the room from time to time, showing that he is ‘looking’.
Position yourself where you can catch his eye naturally and easily or at least get within eye shot of him. You can adjust your head and body, you can find a way to pass him and make an eye- contact.
Give him a few glances. After you catch each others glance, look away, but after a while look at him again, gaze for a moment, then immediately avert your eyes. If you still like what you see, do this again and then add a smile.
Practice at home – the teasing look, the mock innocent, the mischievous glance, etc. Then practice with men. (Be picky though, you deserve the best!)