Your Relationship DNA
Still looking for the “great guy” your mom always wanted you to find? Wondering where you will find the “goddess of your dreams” who will love you for who you are?
Look no further! Quit searching. Cease your online shopping and snooping.
Until you re-create your internal sensors, you will most likely continue to attract the same selfish, lying, boring, sleepy, unfaithful, uncaring, inconsiderate, sexually stale, physically lazy, financially scalped and playfully challenged individuals you have always attracted. It’s in your Relationship DNA!
Your relationships are made up of what you consciously consider about a partner and what you subconsciously consider about yourself and the messages those thoughts communicate to others.
Like DNA, they are weaved together, and often what you don’t realize that what you want or crave for your own emotional wellbeing – is exactly what you are attracting!
So it won’t matter how many different guys you date, or how many different sites or services you try to find the right woman – until you know your own hidden agendas, you will – WITHOUT FAIL – continue to attract people into your life that will disappoint or hurt you.
Is There Something Wrong With Me?
You have a unique history, life experience, family, and community of friends and influencers that have helped you become your distinct person. Along the way, you may have learned things by trial and error and not all your influences were positive. Typically we develop ways to overcompensate or avoid situations we find uncomfortable or even painful. These hidden mannerisms and fears are the very triggers that signal the same individuals to show up in your world, usually the people poorly suited to your conscious goals and romantic dreams.
It’s strange. The same personality types show up in different clothing, careers, towns, and social circles. They may present themselves quite different at the beginning of your friendship and yet, before long, you find yourself with the same hurts, same wounds, and the identical feeling of disappointment.
Your Emotional Life
We all need the emotional support of others. The expressions may vary, and the level of need fluctuate, but no one lives a healthy life without emotional connections.
If those emotional needs were somehow overlooked, neglected or poorly satisfied in your childhood, you will search for what you need – whether consciously or not. Some people appear “needy,” or “sensitive” or “aloof” as adults because for whatever reason they are lacking some of the emotional maturity that can start only from within themselves.
When we are looking for a partner from the place of what we ‘need’ instead of what we ‘want’, we might choose destructive relationships over and over again till we learn that happiness and contentment is an inside job. A partner should help us but we should help ourselves first.
Our unhealthy patterns will remain until we replace them with healthy ones.
What is your Dating Motivation?
Why do you date? The answer might seem obvious: for sex, for fun, for happier weekends, to impress my friends, to avoid loneliness, or to feel wanted. Your dating motivation will have a lot to do with your dating experiences and outcomes.
Sometimes we confuse what we want and what we need.
When we are looking for something or someone to fill our needs, we are not very picky. We just look to get the need met.
Stop Looking for a Perfect Partner
Are You Looking for that Perfect Partner? Do You Suffer from PPFS?
Why do we look for a partner? Are we hoping to bring more happiness and fulfillment into our lives, or to feel whole? A perfect partner would fill the bill, right?
There are may other ways to achieve this goal. Your search needn’t be focused on finding your match or soul mate. Rather, enjoy the discovery of what would make your life fulfilled.
Meeting the One might part of your growth, but you can be happily married or happily single.
What is PPFS?
PPFS = Perfect Partner Frustration Symptom. Why is it so frustrating – because as long as they are your partner they cannot be perfect. As living beings we are constantly changing, constantly in flux. What made you happy a year ago may not be the ticket for you today. Only 6 months ago you may have wanted a gym membership for Christmas, and today you may not want to set foot inside the stinky walls.
To find a perfect partner, you have to stop to looking for a perfect catch and focus on the and the best life you can create for yourself. When you begin to feel the inner joy of self satisfaction and realization you will begin to radiate with happy energy and spread the vibes of loving positive attitude in every direction. If someone with the right vidos is anywhere near you – she or he will be attracted to you like a moth to the night light on your front porch.
“You don’t have to spend years waiting for a perfect person. YOU are the perfect person.”
Its A Magnetic Effect
Like attracts like, this is why it’s very important to find out what is great and unique about you, what a fantastic individual you are so you can attract the person like yourself.
When you come to the state of being who you truly are, you are open to what’s possible. You begin to notice new opportunities you start attracting something or someone you desire.
Unless you can be honest, forthright, and totally yourself in a relationship, it is best not to be in one. Stop compromising you best gift! Bring the real you to the table. You have nothing to lose, because you will feel happiness either way.
Same Place, Same Job, Same Routine?
How long have you been single? If you find yourself doing the same thing for the number of years, doing the same unsatisfying job, living in the same small apartment, this might be the reason that your love life is the same as well. Sometimes we feel that not much is happening in our lives, because we avoid dealing with what the underlying causes that create the effect.
Excersise: Phone a good friend this weekend and ask a favour. Invite them to tell you, without fear of your reaction, the things they find unique and authentic about you. What do you radiate? What energy best describes you? How do you make people feel when they are around you?
Then call me. Let’s have a complimentary intro session and let me show you how to take what you learned and help you find the best parts of yourself.
A child’s job is to play and they do it full time. This is how they learn about life. Playfulness helps to develop imagination and expand abstract thinking.
It works for adults too. The “life-is-a-playground” approach teaches us how to think outside the box and find creative solutions. It develops confidence and brings great people into our lives. People like to be around light-hearted outgoing individuals with a good sense of humor.
Seeing life as a game brings light into a daily routine. It’s not about getting the most toys than others within a lifetime, but about having fun with what you have at this moment. It’s not about achievements and infinitely more than our possessions.
We all have some playfulness inside, although some people show it more than others. If you want to be young at heart (and also look younger) re-capture your playful attitude.
Childlike and Childish
Some people mix ‘having a childlike attitude’ with ‘being childish’ which fosters negativity. Someone can call your behavior childish, immature, even foolish. But being playful is not about acting like a child, but connecting with the qualities that children bring into their life as they grow –
“curiosity, imagination, joy, sense of adventure, energy, enthusiasm, cheerfulness, courage, expressiveness, energy, generosity, honesty, good-nature, open mind, optimism, outgoing attitude, playfulness, spontaneity, trust, non-judgment, sparkly, worry free, amusement, moment focus, and in general bringing fun into learning about things and into daily life.”
Kids don’t take life seriously but they look the most alive.
Remember that “playing” and “being playful” are two completely different concepts. Paradoxically sometimes kids stop being playful even in the process of playing. Playing can be educational helping kids to understand the world, explore their surroundings, learn how life works, and how to relate to others. Unfortunately many children are being taught to dismiss playing in lieu of technology and often become adults way too early.
As we mature we lose our natural ability to think and act in a playful manner. We learn how to be ‘cool’. And we continue playing ‘cool’ in our adulthood; we shut down our playfulness in order to please or impress others.
“Can a professional hockey game still be called a ‘game’? With all the politics and amount of money involved, we can’t really say that people on ice are actually ‘playing’ ! “
Spice Your Life with Playfulness
To start bringing playfulness into our daily environment you might take a different perspective. You can find something humorous in almost any situation, and entertain yourself. Try not to think of how foolish you might be looking. Remember that the fear of embarrassment stopped you of getting into a lot of exciting experiences. This is your life and you deserve to enjoy it.
“Humanity advanced not because it has been sober, responsible and cautions, but because it has been playful, rebellious and immature”. Tom Robbins.
Playfulness can Benefit your Business and Personal Life
When you are focused on the activity that brings you an enjoyable experience, like a belly laugh or exquisite pleasure, it brings you to positive emotions and connects you with your spiritual self. Those very feelings can be essential to problem solving and aiding you in seeing other perspectives to serious problems.
Belly laughs have been known to break the ice, break a zipper, scare depression, lift spirits, rally others, disturb atrophy, satisfy a conflict, re-direct hostility, burn calories, give you flat abs and handsome six packs, and change the outcome of a meeting.
Playful people like to surprise people and be surprised – they are open to spontaneity and can be flexible in the face of a challenge or change.
Playfulness and Sex: Playfulness is not Playing Games
You can bring playfulness into your dating and approaching the opposite sex. Playfulness is a source of being flirtatious. Flirt not to seduce but to engage in open, joyful and authentic adult play.
Juice up every moment of your life, relationships, work, dating, with a generous dose of playfulness.
In Vancouver, dating is challenging enough. We have a large single population all looking or waiting to find just the right person for their companion and lover, while often hiding behind years of misdirected efforts to camouflage themselves with the latest and greatest beauty tricks, pop psychology and online personality tools in order to appear like a great catch. Authenticity is lacking, and love remains illusive.
Do you make efforts to present yourself differently, masking your flaws (or what you think are flaws) in order to be more attractive and desirable?
If you are pretending to be someone that you are not, then who is the real person your dating partner is getting to know and love?
If you pretend to possess qualities that you THINK are appropriate, dreams that you THINK fit with hers or his, preferences that make you dating partner smile and think, “wow, we have so much in common,” when in fact the real you is quite different, how will this relationship last?
Why would you expend this amount of energy to sustain a mask that in the end will bring both people heartache?
Loved Unconditionally Must Start with You
This behavior contradicts the common desire to meet a partner who will love you exactly as you are.
Being loved unconditionally first supposes that someone has a chance to love – the real you.
If you want to meet that person, the one with the capacity to cherish you for yourself, you have to be open and show your true self. Honest communication and open sharing about beliefs, your dreams, your goals, your weird habits and flaws, your preferences and opinions is essential. How can you attract Mr. or Mrs. Right – if you send out a fake calling card?
Someone will either love real you or they won’t.
You won’t be able to make someone to fall in love with a person you pretend and then show them your true self, thinking they will embrace the real you. You have built the relationship on deception, and it has no true foundation.
In order to keep that person “loving you”, you have to pretend all the time. It’s tiring and unfulfilling. And worse yet, you are not really loved.
Celebrate Your Uniqueness and Authenticity
Stop comparing yourself to other people. Someone will always be wiser, more successful, more focused, more hardworking, slimmer, more buff or beautiful. Our goal is not to be the best, (and that is completely relative in the first place) but to find our uniqueness and attract a partner who will love those qualities.
In fact what we see as liability, another person can see as an asset. Or what you think is your flaw, maybe exactly what someone is looking for in a partner. For instance, the kitchen might be not your area of expertise, but you might meet a man who loves to cook himself or prefers to eat out, or simply he values other qualities more, than ability to cook.
You might not be a high paid professional but someone will love your sense of style and how you manage your life on a calculated budget.
In order to be true to yourself you have to be comfortable with yourself. The first step in gaining confidence is to learn about yourself – taking the time to know yourself, date yourself – learn what makes you tick. As a dating coach, I notice people often know more about men or women on an online profile, than they do about their own preferences and aspirations.
You were born unique. There is a special something about you; your talents, intelligence, ability to forgive, caring attitude, inner beauty, creativity. These special qualities might be still hidden inside, waiting for you to discover.
You have to turn your focus inside and find your authentic self. And while you learn about yourself, it will become easier to forgive yourself for shortcomings, and accept yourself as who you are.
* You have to define your values and goals and understand what makes your life fulfilled
* Find your needs and motivations.
* Identify your beliefs and relationship patterns.
* Discover your skills and talents.
* Learn about your personality type.
* Define your strengths as a partner and weaknesses and see what changes should be made to improve your odds and to become a person that is similar to the one you would like to attract.
As a dating coach, I can help you to meet yourself before you meet the one. Join us for a workshop, a Meetup, or a sample coaching session. Find out for yourself the difference a new perspective can make.
Exercise: List 3 the most unique qualities you think you possess
Love is not difficult to find. Most likely, it is looking for you! I am sure you have heard about the “law of attraction” or watched movie “The Secret”. They did a great job introducing the concept of attraction, although it’s not a new idea. It was written thousands of years ago in the ancient texts of Egypt and in the Bible. All of the great spiritual masters through history have taught these principles, and even science provides an explanation to how it works.
According to the law of attraction every one of us is a walking magnet and our thoughts, words, actions and feelings (“vibrations”) attract to us those people, things and situations that are a match to our vibrations, whether wanted or unwanted. We are literally living, vibrating magnets.
Each of us possesses the internal power to attract what we want and what we don’t want into our life. If we think it, believe it and do it, it becomes real.
As adults, we have learned from a lot of negative experiences. After someone hurt our feelings, cheated on us, lied to us, or rejected us, our hearts began to close. We become suspect of underlying motives of peoples’ behavior.
What our “other brain” knows
Our subconscious mind learns from our negative experiences and creates a guard for our hearts, like bubble wrap, protecting us from further pain. This creates a double edged sword though, because now we are closed to good experiences as well. We cover our hearts adding more and more layers through all our life. It’s safe now, nobody can hurt us. We now attract distance, safety, even isolation.
If you feel that you stopped attracting what you want – you have to look at what is most important to you. What you value most is what you attract. You may think you want love, when in fact you value “not getting hurt” more than a loved one. You won’t attract lovers, but you will attract wonderful opportunities to remain isolated from emotional harm.
You need to return to the place inside yourself where you believe good things happen. You have to remember the time when you believed in magic.
In order to attract your match, you have to be open to all kinds of relationships and new exciting experiences without the imposed agenda of how it’s supposed to be. You have to trust your intuition and sometimes go with a flow. You have to start believing that anything is possible and you can meet your soulmate anywhere, anytime. You have to become a source of love and care that attracts the same feelings.
When you have faith in yourself, you will get more confidence that the right person will appear, the right message will come. When you are a magnet to your good match, you will repel bad matches. (Good news!)
When you make better decisions that are not conditioned by your old belief systems and popular media, and identify your missing pieces, you will stop looking and just be yourself.
Talk and act from the place of authenticity and you enjoy your dating life and in your relationships. You will attract people and situations that support your ideas and your ideology.
Once you’ve mastered yourself and your thinking, you will become a living magnet for ideas and opportunities to meet the “one”. When you have faith, you will think and act as if your goal is already accomplished. When you have faith in yourself, you will have faith in other people.
When you find your charisma, the strength inside of you, what makes you who you are – flexible, intuitive and creative, your attractor factor go through the roof.
An ‘Open Heart’ attitude will get you dates in Vancouver
What happens when we smile to people? They smile back. When we do something good for people, they want to help us as well, but in order to be able to receive love and appreciation; we need an open heart to allow the love to flow.
How much do you think people know the real you?
Can they read you without requiring a secret interpreter’s guide? Often others want to know us, but our discomfort with our own being – the size or shape of our body or nose, our level of education or our childhood regrets, can create an unseen but very real boundary between us and others.
Authenticity – The Art of Being You
Authenticity is an honesty and clarity that allows, permits, and even values who you are as an individual to be known and honoured. It is unafraid, courageous, and forthright. You authentic self is how you differentiate yourself with everyone else and includes your strengths and weaknesses, values and opinions, background and future hopes.
When you are comfortable with your authentic self you will experience:
• Confidence that comes from doing what you love
• Positive thinking that determines a happy ride
• Creativity as a source of playfulness and joy
• Kindness that surrounds us with great people
• Playfulness that brings more fun into your life
• Life goals that stimulate creative thinking
• Gratitude that brings appreciation and satisfaction with what you have
• Dreams that make you to learn and experience new things
• Self respect from being, saying and doing – the same
What we can do to have our heart more open, more present and more authentic?
• Start developing our playfulness and spontaneity.
• Allow ourselves to laugh and to be silly.
• Seek for help to get rid of limiting believes.
• Develop good relationships with our parents and kids.
• Say ‘thank you’ for what we have.
• Unleash our creativity – everyone has a talent.
• Get back to our hobbies – whatever makes us focus on the moment and enjoy the process.
• Say ‘yes’ to exciting experiences and meeting new people.
Exercise: Write down one thing you are going to do to be more present and open.
Dating in Canada shouldn’t be so hard: Open Heart Attracts Love
Can you remember the time in your life before any of the break-ups and accompanying baggage, which seems cause many complications in dating in Canada?
Everything was fresh and exciting. We experienced the highest and the lowest levels of emotions. We felt courageous and adventurous. We could do whatever we thought we could, and we did. For some of us it was a bungee jump, while others bravely shared their poetry in a Language Studies class.
Our hearts were able to trust people and love without a fear of failure. We didn’t count how much money was spent on a gift for a friend or how much time we spent doing things for our “flame”.
Remember the feeling of a heart jumping right out of your chest, while your legs felt week and the sound of your blood pumping in your veins was like a roar in your head? Oh the awesomeness of accidentally bumping into a person you idolized, and you fully experienced every moment of being with them.
We were less guardedand more authentic, less restricted and more abandoned. The future held mysteries and magic, and we lived with hope. Other people could see the “real” us because we weren’t concerned with hiding and sheltering our wounded egos. Our hearts were able to receive love and appreciation, and the idea of meeting new people and experiencing new things was exhilarating.
We grew up and our big heart didn’t fit
Our own negative experiences along with the opinionated media and society trends can shape our belief systems and we can start to believe that people are not trustworthy. We hear it from every direction – ‘you are not good enough (thin enough, smart enough) to be treated well’, or ‘if you love, you get hurt, so look out for number one’. These beliefs get imprinted into our heads and profoundly affect our daily life.
Your subconscious mind learns from these painful experiences and creates a comfort zone, with a guard to protect you from being hurt. Slowly you will become cautious and start to play it safe.
Corroded Love Lines
When we know too much, when we experienced too much pain, our loving mechanism becomes corroded. We become suspicions of other peoples’ intentions and don’t allow ourselves to feel anything deeply; we don’t say what we feel, and don’t do what we say, and when we get hurt we take it out on others.
We can’t receive love if the doors are closed
We have to have open hearts to allow that loving energy flowing. We have to be present, open to possibilities, new meetings, and new experiences. It’s our new challenge; to be trusting and believing. We have to find that innocent part inside us who believes in soulmates and true love. If we want to have deep loving feelings that we can exchange with someone, we have to become more open to those feelings.
As a relationship coach my first goal is to get a client into a state of “unconditional happiness”, which is the foundation of developing great relationships.
Children don’t need a lot of things to be happy.
And you don’t need to spend fortune on your toys.
When you enjoy whatever comes into your life, you won’t need much to laugh about. Financial success has little to do with happiness. Happiness comes from a state of being.
A happy state of being helps us connect with other people, it’s an international language of friendship. When you are in a happy mood, you communicate easier, you are more confident in asking for what you want, you gain trust more easily. You more likable. Having a positive outlook helps you with life’s challenges.
At some point our lives we start wanting more than we need – a newer car, a bigger house or more clothes. And then we have to work harder afford all this. As a result we have more of work and less fun.
We then feed on the unhappiness that surrounds us. Listen to CNN news. Hear the tone of voice they use to announce and then repeat again, the bad news. They repeat those headlines until we are pumped up with anxiety and stress. And it’s 24 hours a day!
“Happy” Is a Choice
We live in a better world now – we are able to choose to enjoy our work, we don’t marry for social status and we are able to travel the world. We have choice to be, or to not be happy. We have unlimited opportunities to do, see, and experience our lives.
How can you enjoy happiness? Start small. It will be easier and more natural for you. You may have to force yourself first. Start by smiling.
There is a mediation practiced in Indonesia that uses a smile. You sit still and put a smile on every body part, every organ, and finally your face. You are a smile at life – right down to your liver.
Here are some other ideas:
• Subscribe to a daily joke online, funny pictures, or read cartoons if they help you lighten up.
• write down a few of them and attach them to your computer to something that you will see when you get up in the morning – coffee maker, or your washroom mirror or door
• print a smiling face and attach it to the ceiling, so this is going to be the first emotion you will start a day with and the last one before you go to sleep
• Listen to your favourite music whenever you do your chores – cleaning the house of washing the dishes. I know a person who turns on a very energetic music whenever she works at the computer.
Exercise: Write down your own ideas that would help you to bring fun into your life and try them all.