How to Attract People Who are Good for us?
How to attract people who are good for us?
At an early age we develop certain patterns of relationship behavior that allow us to attract people of certain types. Very often these are not the people that we want to attract. These patterns are influenced by our parents’ beliefs, school, our society and media sales tactics.
As we go through life we collect emotional baggage from our own relationship experience and develop limiting beliefs about ourselves. Often we are looking for someone to fulfill our needs and make us happy, to satisfy what we feel missing in ourselves.
Loneliness may drive us to keep looking in all the wrong places. When coupled with our limiting beliefs we have the following equation and it means we LOSE.
Childhood perceptions + limiting beliefs = patterns of behavior + baggage from our relationships+ loneliness = people we attract = BUMMER.
Old Stories Attract New Chapters
So many times Sandra heard from her mother that men are afraid of commitment (perhaps she experienced this behaviour in her own love life), so Sandra started to apply this judgment selecting her future partners. As a result all her boyfriends left her.
Serge is a person, who repeatedly attracted women who needed financial support – either immigrants who just came to Canada, or students. His roommates also took advantage and were not able to pay rent in time, constantly borrowing money.
Neither Serge or Sandra are attracting who they really want – they are attracting what they believe about others.
What Are You Willing To Believe?
You probably read or heard that there is a “shortage of quality single men and women today”. If you believe this “fact,” it will easily become your reality. This belief will manifest in your interpersonal communication and impact your behaviour.
If you believe the adage that there are no good partners left, why would you continue to search from that desperate state? All you can possibly attract is desperate indeed. What are you willing to become, to give up, to fake, to pretend only to find that there is no one decent left to find anyway?
Is There a Pattern in Your Dating?
Is the pattern of disappointment repeating itself over and over again with the people you date? If so, you would do well with a “time out” to carefully review what you believe about dates, dating and love.
Don’t put on another pair of high heels until you get clear on what you expect in your life.
You may discover that blame men around for being afraid of commitment, which becomes a pattern of behaviour on your part. You may not realize it, but your own behaviour and suspicions may be just what scares them away.
There are some phrases that we tell ourselves when we don’t get what we expect. These phrases that reveal our unhealthy patterns:
Well, I am just unlucky
I’m not smart enough
People like me never get wealthy
I am not good enough
I don’t deserve to be loved
This person is too cool for me
Nobody cares about me
Why I didn’t have rich parents?
It’s my destiny to work hard
As a foundation of our unhealthy patterns, these phrases are fear based. They cause negative reaction, like anger, impatience, resentment, jealousy, worry, doubt.
Exercise: List your own phrases that you use that you think affect your relationships:
HINT- if you have problems finding them, ask your friends. They hear you say them regularly!