Why do We Fall into the Same Relationships Over and Over Again?
After the analysis of the past relationships, some people discover that they constantly attract the same type of partner and get into the same relationships.
No matter how different the new date appears when we meet them, sooner or later our relationship turns out the same way. So, why do we meet the same type of partners over and over again?
As a relationship coach I encourage people to look for similarities in their past relationships as a “crystal ball” for future predictions. What happened in the past is going to repeat one way or another unless we look beyond the events and into ourselves. Our beliefs, judgements and experiences can cloud true vision and affect our discerning capabilities.
It all starts with YOU
You might disagree that this is YOU who is attracted to immature guys, who are not able to take charge of their own lives, but tell you what to do with yours. Or that you seek out those hysteric and needy girls, who have a hard time taking ‘no’ for an answer and, if things don’t go their way, become angry or upset.
If not because of you – why on earth would every one of your new partner turn to be the same breed? Why do you attract people who hurt you into your life?
The truth is – our sub-conscious mind takes a big part of controlling our behaviour. Since childhood we have absorbed our parent’s views and conceptions. As we navigate through our own real life situations and experiences our subconscious mind learns how to avoid another negative impact and develops self-defence patterns that manifest in our daily behaviour.
If we had lack of love in our childhood, we might come to a conclusion that we are not good enough to be loved, and we don’t expect sincere love from other people. After being hurt, like we always thought we would be, we become suspicious of other people’s behaviour and start to believe that people are not trustworthy.
If someone cheated on us, we would have a hard time to trust our next partner and may hesitate before jumping into next committed relationship, because we would expect the same behaviour. Of course, we don’t THINK it in usual daily thoughts. These subconscious directives come from beneath thought and direct our instincts and intuitions. Our “gut” can mislead us if fed the wrong information.
People with whom we interact with feel it and when they don’t show their love either – we get what we expect.
When we subconsciously drag all this baggage of pain and unhealed emotional injuries through our life, we have tendency to attract people with the same familiar patterns. We expect people to act in a way that we are used to and we feel most comfortable around the people who behave the same way as we are expect. We know how to react and what to expect from them. We know how things work. We feel comfortable because their behaviour patterns fit our patterns. It’s the perception that we create and it’s real for us.
When their behaviour matches our unpleasant expectation, our subconscious mind thinks this is a perfect match for us. There is comfort in having what we know.
When we meet someone we like, our feelings are fresh; it’s exciting! This person might be the One. He is so different! But very often as the honeymoon period fades away, both parties see the reality, this is not the right one, again!
Your mutual attraction was based on the qualities that existed in your families, or influential circumstances from youth. You found, once again, the perfect person to ignite your pain.
The problem is that although you may feel comfortable, it’s not what you want. Think about it this way. If you have always lived in a very small bachelor suite with barely enough room to turn around and Aunt Lora leaves an inheritance that allows you purchase a 2000 square foot home – you might find it uncomfortable at first. In fact, you may only use a couple of the rooms, saying to yourself that you like them because they make you feel cozy. It may take a bit of time to adjust to space. Had your financial circumstances not changed, you would probably always see yourself in a small setting, never even investigating another reality.
Our self-preservation mechanism constantly creates a comfort zone for us to prevent another painful experience. We fall into survival mode and shut the doors for other possibilities.
Stop the blame game
Why do you stay in these destructive relationships?
My theory: because it’s way easier to blame other people for their bad behaviour than to face the fact we are looking for them, seeking them out, chasing and catching the very people who mean PAIN for us. We say ‘it’s them’ and ‘it’s their fault,” or that ‘I am just so unlucky, that people that I meet are abusive, liars, and cheaters. Unfortunately, this is why dysfunctional relationships last so long, because there is someone to blame for our problems.
I don’t believe that meeting wrong people is bad to us, I think it’s a blessing! This is the point where we learn about ourselves and about our behaviour. We can look at the reasons why we react the way we react; analyze why we met this kind of person and why we let them treat us the way they do.
Help! I need the drama
We attract drama into our relationships, because we are trying to resolve the childhood issues. And we will attract the same people and the same situation till we learn from this experience and change something.
If we want to break the cycle and start attracting more loving healthy relationships, we have to change our ‘reality’, and then move from what you ‘need’ to what we ‘want’. We have to take a deeper look at our relationships and find the unhealthy patterns and replace them with the healthy ones.
Exercise: On a sheet of paper write down all your partners that you had relationship with and jot down their qualities. Notice the similarities – qualities of a partner, the way your relationship developed, the reason of breakup, etc.
Physically attractive – Not attractive
Generous – Cheep/greedy
Thinks of others, caring and understanding – Self-centered, their interests are their priority
Good listener – Is not able to listen
Responsible for his life – Blames circumstances
Go-getter – Lazy
Honest – Dishonest
Emotionally healthy – Emotionally unstable
Financially secure – Needs financial support
Geographically accessible – Not accessible
Sexually compatible – Sexually incompatible
Doesn’t have any addiction – Addicted to smoke, alcohol, drugs or food
Loyal – Disloyal
Intelligent – Not really intelligent
Emotionally available, shares feelings – Emotionally unavailable, closed
Similar interests and values – Different interests and values
Giver – Taker
Trusting – Jealous